empathy

Failures – To Get Away from it All

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Failures – To Get Away From It All

Cam Newton’s career as an NFL quarterback came to a tragic peak in the 2016 Super Bowl. His offense played poorly against one of the best defenses of the century, but the Carolina Panthers still had the ball late with a chance to win. On a third and nine, Newton fumbled the ball, and as it skipped on the turf, Newton had a chance to dive for it. But a defensive player was closer on the ground, and Newton backed away.* The Denver Broncos recovered the ball, scored another touchdown, and the Panthers would have the biggest loss in the history of the team.

For sports media, the even greater crime by Newton was after the game. Newton started to answer their questions, but he abruptly left the scene and wasn’t to be seen again that night. Pundits pounced on him in the coming days, not only his hesitancy on the fumble, but poor sportsmanship by leaving the press. He’s the quarterback. The leader. He should set an example. And so on. Talking heads on ESPN condemned Newton with shouts of indignation. The media gave the public a villain in Super Bowl 50, his post-game exit was almost as big a headline as the game itself.

Rolling my eyes at the righteousness of the journalists, it was hard to not to feel sorry for Newton. He’d just had the worst moment of his career, if not his entire life. Hundreds of millions had watched his mistake on the field, and the publicity of the scene made the embarrassment hard to compare. To me, if anyone from such a moment feels the need to find a hole to hide in, they have my support. Go ahead and rest. Clear your head. Find your family, and take a night to breathe and process what just happened. Then come to us the next day a little refreshed with a better frame of mind. The media will have plenty to talk about in the first 24 hours, without needing your point of view. Any of us would hope for a measure of grace in the situation.

Super Bowl 50 was eight years ago, but this has always stuck in my mind as I can see myself avoiding the media as Newton did. I’m a sore loser, and I’ll wear emotions on my sleeve as embarrassment dominates my thoughts. The anger comes not so much from losing itself, but the times when I feel like I humiliated myself. Maybe my score was dead last, or maybe there was some obvious move that I missed. The failure feels like a reflection of myself, whether from a lack of skill or intelligence. Self-criticism will swell in me, and so it’s easy to relate to what Newton may have felt. His shortcoming came in view of the entire world, and it seems right to me that he should have had the chance to get away from it.

Maybe the most memorable example of an athlete defying the mandates of press conferences is Marshawn Lynch. Running back for the Seattle Seahawks, Lynch had no interest in talking with reporters. He would defy the rules, and even when complying, he would wear his helmet with a black eye shield down to cover his face. The NFL gave him hefty fines, declaring his shyness unacceptable. Good grief, just leave him alone, I would think as ESPN reported the fines. After retirement, Lynch would make a host of appearances in commercials and other media, almost as a dig on the NFL. I’ll be in the news when I want to be. Seeing him any time on screen was a treat. Like Newton, I would hope Lynch has the chance to do as he pleases in relations with media.

All of this isn’t to say that reporters were wrong about Newton’s shortcoming in the game. His hesitation to go for the ball would go down as one of the more frustrating moments in NFL history. An assumption in any sport is that athletes will do anything possible to keep their chances of winning for the team alive. For Newton to back away from the ball with no effort to recover was inexcusable. The defensive player may have had the advantage, and even if Newton recovered, the Panthers’ odds of winning the game were slim. Still, surrendering the ball handed the win to the Broncos. For any professional athlete, driven through years of pee-wee leagues, college and pros, to not go for the ball was as surprising as it was heartbreaking. The wide world of sports had good reason to feel disappointed in Newton.

Also, in fairness to the Carolina Panthers, it’s understandable they or any team would want their players to be available to media. For the purposes of team promotion and appeasing customers, a sports business should want their stars to be on camera. How much more for a team that just played in America’s biggest event. For Newton, he was an NFL quarterback. A natural leader, not only for his team, but for a billion-dollar company with millions of customers who were disappointed with their performance. The Super Bowl is the biggest of such moments, with the economic prosperity of employees and third-party business riding on the athletes. It’s a daunting responsibility, but it’s one that athletes take on when suiting up and signing contracts.

For Newton, being the leader in the spotlight would diminish rapidly. He was never the same after the Super Bowl, with his performance declining in the few years left of his career. It may have been a coincidence that his descent followed the Super Bowl. Maybe his teams just happened to be worse, or his health declined as he became older. Still, the fumble seemed so cataclysmic, it’s hard not to wonder if there was a connection to his downward trajectory. Either way, it’s a shame for him. Newton portrayed himself on the field as Superman, pretending to tear off a Clark Kent suit when scoring a touchdown. He was boasting, but it was a fitting comparison. His talent willed his teams to success, and so to come so close to the mountain top, feels like a tragedy that would hurt any of us.

With such a descent from Super Bowl 50, I’ll always have an empathy for Cam Newton. Even if he missed the mark of good sportsmanship, sore losers like me can relate to him. To brush off mistakes and move on with confidence, is a virtue I never learned. So even if I’m in the wrong, people will still have my blessing to find a place to hide from the world. No matter how justified it will be to critique their performance or demeanor, my gut will tell me to let them get away from it all. We’ll hear back from them soon enough, refreshed and ready to move forward.

 

*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytwAalH7vec

Mourning – The Better Approach

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Glenn Loury, in his memoir Late Admissions: Confessions of a Black Conservative, describes a crisis of faith from a church that failed him in his grief. He’d suffered the sudden death of a beloved co-worker, and the message he received from the funeral was that his loss shouldn’t be met with sorrow, but celebration instead. The deceased was going to Heaven, and so no one should feel bad about her dying. The congregates expressed a joyfulness, and Glenn took offense. He had just lost a friend, and the world had lost a saint all too soon. It was off-putting for his brethren to give no regard to his pain. No empathy for his heartache. The church ignored his anguish, and their god wasn’t one he wanted to follow.

In fairness, there’s room to be cynical of Glenn blaming others for his loss of faith. In his book, Glenn highlights the irresponsible practices that kept a foothold through his life – e.g., adultery, drug use, and night life away from family. Glenn suggests they were the true reasons he stopped believing. His “cover story” was the lack of church empathy for his loss, but the “real story” was him wanting to be “master of the universe” in his life. Submission to a higher power would call him out on the ways he hurt himself and others, but the message of the church was an excuse to keep doing as he pleased. It’s not hard to imagine many of us having such cover stories, to hide the reasons for our selfishness in the world.

Still, despite his faults, Glenn wasn’t wrong to be critical of the church’s message about death. When mourners cry in agony, we see a common denominator in the human experience, and those who claim to be a guide in life shouldn’t disregard it. While Glenn should have done better in his life, the church should have done better for him. At best, they were ignorant of the feelings Glenn and others carried with them. At worst, the church was passing judgment on their grief, implying it was an error. Either way, the sorrow went without recognition, and the congregants should have done better.

Reading of Glenn’s recollections reminded me of a recent encounter with friends who faced a similar situation. The family grieved for a cherished uncle, and the message they received was the same. We should be happy he’s in Heaven. He’s away from this world. At peace with our Savior. Why should people feel bad? It’s a time to rejoice! Explaining how the audience ought to feel about his death, the faithful were telling my agnostic friends that their sadness was wrong. Misguided. A distraction from God’s will. The church may have had good intentions by sharing an encouragement, but my friends left the service with alienation instead. There was no sense of anyone relating to their loss. No sympathy for the hole that was now in their lives. It was sad to think of a church leaving my friends more secular than when they walked in.

While there’s a logic to sharing the message, it’s disturbing to see a lack of empathy for mourning. On one hand, it feels hard to criticize a church for wanting to share hope. The word “gospel” literally means good news, and so it makes sense that a church would want to give encouragement in the worst of circumstances. Still, such messages can fail to meet the genuine needs of many in the pews. The message forgets the need to recognize the anguish from death. We are less without the person lost, and the dead can no longer have the joys of life. Mourning doesn’t come from a lack of character or personal beliefs, but default from the loss of life. It’s not wrong to feel this way, but we can imply it in the saddest moments of our lives.

There is a story from the Bible that legitimizes our feelings of mourning. To understand the character of God and the best response to mourning, one verse may be used to meditate on the subject:

“Jesus wept.”*

It’s the shortest English verse of the Bible, but powerful in its implications. More than a verse, it was an action carried out by Jesus. The creator of the universe mourned with Mary and Martha for the death of their brother Lazarus. Jesus felt the same sorrow. The same heartache. The same depth of feeling the sisters were holding with each other. Such an image counters the notion of a distant God who doesn’t care for our affairs. God was with the sisters, not with a message of joy but as one who cared enough to join them in their pain. This is a god to have hope in. The god Glenn Loury needed to hear about. The god that my friends could have found in their bereavement, but didn’t.

If Jesus’s actions aren’t enough to show us the need to mourn with others, there is more evidence still. The Apostle Paul wrote, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”** Having described the awesome majesty of God, Paul spends a chapter of time giving the churches of Rome instructions on how to live life in response. Among them, he told them to meet people in their grief. To be with them where they are in their emotions. To not have ignorance of their feelings or judgement against them, but to commit love by aligning ourselves with them. If we do this, we fulfill the God-given duty to love one another in life.***

When taking all of this in, we should appreciate both halves of the verse. To rejoice with others means there are times to celebrate with someone – to have genuine happiness for their fortunes. Without jealousy or discouragement, we give others the chance to share news of what has been good to them, bringing greater joy to their world. At the same time, we are to weep with those who weep. In this, we give a measure of peace and comfort, legitimizing their grief and demonstrating that the person isn’t alone. It is a noble task to sit with someone in their pain. No words needed. Just an effort to relate to them.

With these lessons, we can offer hope by meeting others in their sorrow. An acknowledgement of their pain can be as valuable as any other healing in life. If Glenn Loury had received this gift, then maybe the encouragement would have made his faith more active in future years. If my neighbors had heard this message, then maybe their skepticism for church would have diminished. It’s a powerful suggestion – to meet people where they are. May we all become better examples of this practice.

* John 11:35

** Romans 12:15

*** John 13:34, 1 John 3:11