Glenn Loury, in his memoir Late Admissions: Confessions of a Black Conservative, describes a crisis of faith from a church that failed him in his grief. He’d suffered the sudden death of a beloved co-worker, and the message he received from the funeral was that his loss shouldn’t be met with sorrow, but celebration instead. The deceased was going to Heaven, and so no one should feel bad about her dying. The congregates expressed a joyfulness, and Glenn took offense. He had just lost a friend, and the world had lost a saint all too soon. It was off-putting for his brethren to give no regard to his pain. No empathy for his heartache. The church ignored his anguish, and their god wasn’t one he wanted to follow.
In fairness, there’s room to be cynical of Glenn blaming others for his loss of faith. In his book, Glenn highlights the irresponsible practices that kept a foothold through his life – e.g., adultery, drug use, and night life away from family. Glenn suggests they were the true reasons he stopped believing. His “cover story” was the lack of church empathy for his loss, but the “real story” was him wanting to be “master of the universe” in his life. Submission to a higher power would call him out on the ways he hurt himself and others, but the message of the church was an excuse to keep doing as he pleased. It’s not hard to imagine many of us having such cover stories, to hide the reasons for our selfishness in the world.
Still, despite his faults, Glenn wasn’t wrong to be critical of the church’s message about death. When mourners cry in agony, we see a common denominator in the human experience, and those who claim to be a guide in life shouldn’t disregard it. While Glenn should have done better in his life, the church should have done better for him. At best, they were ignorant of the feelings Glenn and others carried with them. At worst, the church was passing judgment on their grief, implying it was an error. Either way, the sorrow went without recognition, and the congregants should have done better.
Reading of Glenn’s recollections reminded me of a recent encounter with friends who faced a similar situation. The family grieved for a cherished uncle, and the message they received was the same. We should be happy he’s in Heaven. He’s away from this world. At peace with our Savior. Why should people feel bad? It’s a time to rejoice! Explaining how the audience ought to feel about his death, the faithful were telling my agnostic friends that their sadness was wrong. Misguided. A distraction from God’s will. The church may have had good intentions by sharing an encouragement, but my friends left the service with alienation instead. There was no sense of anyone relating to their loss. No sympathy for the hole that was now in their lives. It was sad to think of a church leaving my friends more secular than when they walked in.
While there’s a logic to sharing the message, it’s disturbing to see a lack of empathy for mourning. On one hand, it feels hard to criticize a church for wanting to share hope. The word “gospel” literally means good news, and so it makes sense that a church would want to give encouragement in the worst of circumstances. Still, such messages can fail to meet the genuine needs of many in the pews. The message forgets the need to recognize the anguish from death. We are less without the person lost, and the dead can no longer have the joys of life. Mourning doesn’t come from a lack of character or personal beliefs, but default from the loss of life. It’s not wrong to feel this way, but we can imply it in the saddest moments of our lives.
There is a story from the Bible that legitimizes our feelings of mourning. To understand the character of God and the best response to mourning, one verse may be used to meditate on the subject:
“Jesus wept.”*
It’s the shortest English verse of the Bible, but powerful in its implications. More than a verse, it was an action carried out by Jesus. The creator of the universe mourned with Mary and Martha for the death of their brother Lazarus. Jesus felt the same sorrow. The same heartache. The same depth of feeling the sisters were holding with each other. Such an image counters the notion of a distant God who doesn’t care for our affairs. God was with the sisters, not with a message of joy but as one who cared enough to join them in their pain. This is a god to have hope in. The god Glenn Loury needed to hear about. The god that my friends could have found in their bereavement, but didn’t.
If Jesus’s actions aren’t enough to show us the need to mourn with others, there is more evidence still. The Apostle Paul wrote, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”** Having described the awesome majesty of God, Paul spends a chapter of time giving the churches of Rome instructions on how to live life in response. Among them, he told them to meet people in their grief. To be with them where they are in their emotions. To not have ignorance of their feelings or judgement against them, but to commit love by aligning ourselves with them. If we do this, we fulfill the God-given duty to love one another in life.***
When taking all of this in, we should appreciate both halves of the verse. To rejoice with others means there are times to celebrate with someone – to have genuine happiness for their fortunes. Without jealousy or discouragement, we give others the chance to share news of what has been good to them, bringing greater joy to their world. At the same time, we are to weep with those who weep. In this, we give a measure of peace and comfort, legitimizing their grief and demonstrating that the person isn’t alone. It is a noble task to sit with someone in their pain. No words needed. Just an effort to relate to them.
With these lessons, we can offer hope by meeting others in their sorrow. An acknowledgement of their pain can be as valuable as any other healing in life. If Glenn Loury had received this gift, then maybe the encouragement would have made his faith more active in future years. If my neighbors had heard this message, then maybe their skepticism for church would have diminished. It’s a powerful suggestion – to meet people where they are. May we all become better examples of this practice.
* John 11:35
** Romans 12:15
*** John 13:34, 1 John 3:11