Long ago, I found a clip of The Dr. Phil Show from online scrolling, and it has been a gem to me ever since. Like a favorite verse from a song, or a resounding quote, the scene is packed with meaning we should all consider. A masterclass of empathy, demonstrating its beauty and power when speaking to others. No matter what you might think of Dr. Phil – the show itself, or his recent dive into politics* – I will always appreciate the lessons from this conversation.

Addressing the strained relationships in a family, Dr. Phil plays the role of mediator between a violent son and beleaguered parents. The latter receive a blunt summary of the medical issues their son has suffered through life, disarming the son by showing a genuine understanding of the things he has gone through. We’ll also come to find that the father has made his own bad decisions, but with an understanding his trials as well. All of this was wrapped in a four-minute clip – an exchange worth watching with reflection on considering another’s point of view.

At the start, Dr. Phil connects the son’s lifetime of medical conditions to his crimes and distress. Multiple surgeries with chronic pain since the age of nine, with ailments being a continual influence on his emotions. By the end of the timeline, it feels silly to need a psychology degree to connect the dots of his life. Still, it may have been profound for the parents to see their son’s life in one image on screen. An outsider was guiding them through two decades of painful memories, perhaps forgotten or dismissed in time. But in any case, Dr. Phil has given the best case for us to have sympathy for their son.

By the end of the timeline, we see how the family and society were unable to give the son peace in life. “It can get a little frustrating,” Dr. Phil quips with sarcasm that puts an exclamation mark on the point. It’s likely that no one ever studied the litany of pain the son had experienced. It’s not the job of law enforcement to do this, but it should be a moral conviction for the family. The son, now teary-eyed with a runny nose, has an expression of mournful gratitude. Dr. Phil has offered a full recognition of his pain, giving it a name with respect and compassion. An outsider – albeit a famous one – has shown him an understanding of his trials with respect and compassion. A beautiful act for his viewers to watch.

Perhaps even more profound than the empathy is the brief but powerful point that Dr. Phil makes after. Leaning in with a hand on the son, the host says, “Your behavior’s still bull——.” The joke comes out of nowhere, and in any other context, the son may have rejected it. Just one more authority figure getting in his face about what he’s done. But the son was now disarmed, chuckling as the crowd laughed and applauded. The laugh seems indicative of a man saying, “Yeah, you’re right.”. So while it was a joke, it wasn’t really a joke. By sharing an understanding of his life, Dr. Phil has brought the son to a place where he may come to listen, embracing wisdom that will turn around his life. This is the powerful accomplishment of empathy. To soften the hardest of hearts.

With the joke, we can also take a lesson in the need to have balance between compassion and accountability. Dr. Phil just spent two minutes showing all the reasons to be sympathetic to the son, but in two seconds, the joke brought back to center the need for the son to address his wrongs. The school troubles. The domestic violence. The gross irresponsibility of acts like drinking and driving. Empathy was the aim, but it shouldn’t bring us to overlook his harms. With this, it occurs to me that liberals should have the same balance in mind when dismissing people’s bad behaviors as uncontrollable diseases. Or perhaps conservatives should think about this when condemning criminals. Both schools of thought have value, but both will fall short of an ideal approach to justice.

Now having a degree of trust with the son, Dr. Phil takes a side trip by pointing out the empathy we should feel for mom and dad. “…parents don’t sign up for this.” The “this” refers to everything about the son’s life, with our attention now shifting to the heartaches and suffering of the parents. Feelings of inadequacy, helplessness, and descent to behaviors of anger and self-medication to cope with the situation. We’re now understanding the reasons a father may become part of the problem in a dysfunctional family. “It hurts to see that happen to your boy.” An understatement for any parent.

Again, we can recognize from this the need to balance the thoughts of liberals and conservatives. We shouldn’t live in a world without empathy, but neither should we excuse people’s crimes. Does empathy take away from the need to call out the father for rage from alcohol abuse? Should our condemnations of him never consider the years of worry and guilt he endured? These are big questions for anyone who would judge the family, whether you’re a professional psychologist or a member of a TV audience. I don’t claim to have any grand answers for their situation. I’m only noting the need to ask all such questions as each person faces their situations.

I’ve never watched the full episode of this show, and at this point, I prefer it that way. The Youtube video is over ten years old, and who knows how many twists and turns have developed between the son and parents. If I knew more about their journey since, it’s possible my feelings about the clip would diminish. So I’ve saved the video as I might a work of art, coming back to it from time to time to reflect on empathy. We see from it a power to penetrate the strongest walls of someone’s psyche. We also see a father’s remorse for his actions, and perhaps the beginnings of a reunion. This is good enough for me to take as a lesson in life, and I hope you can take something from it as well.

*To me, it’s unfortunate that Dr. Phil has focused so much on politics in recent months. Not so much because I disagree with his views, but because I think the world would be better off with him as a sage figure of psychology, and not a political pundit. If I want political analysis, there are plenty of other people who lead those battles. Dr. Phil, on the other hand, has always sought awareness for mental and cultural issues, and it seems he’s more helpful to the world by sticking to that.